Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Celebrating Solstice

Celebrating Solstice....feeling the dark, yet the illumination of it as well....

"Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own.
There you can be sure you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb tonight.
The night will give you a horizon further than you can see."
- David Whyte -

For the northern hemisphere it is winter solstice. For myself, it is a time to celebrate the longest night of the year... it is also a time to reflect on the darkness that I have felt in my past and present experience. A darkness that can be so all consuming dark ~ the darkness where your heart constricts, your mind whirls and your body seizes... Or a simple darkness like a negative thought, even if just for a second.

It is in the dark however, that light can be born with a simple spark. By feeling into the dark and uneasy, but then trying to find the light, the blessing, or a loving thought. Because it is with light, that darkness is illuminated, and transmuted, and thus appreciated for all that I might have gained from it.

And this is both physical, with letting the sunlight fill my body & soul on a sunny day, or the metaphysical, how is warms my heart and transmutes those lingering dark molecules of fear or sadness.

So in this, I welcome both light and dark, sadness and joy. Because in actuality, we are human, we feel both extremes, and in that, we learn, evolve and choose our experience in each moment.

I celebrate this solstice with an open heart. An appreciation for where I have come from, and where I am today....and an excitement of where I am going and who I am becoming.

"With every breath and every thought,
we can either bring
love & light,
or fear & darkness"

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Heart Blown Open

I haven't blogged in months, and when I've wanted to I haven't let myself just write without hesitation in one-go.

So I start again with 2 old videos, which, considering how much I adore these two magically creative people, I haven't ever seen any of their videos. So a new treat for me, leaves me amazed once again, and always yearning, wanting more...

Oh Susanna, so raw, yet soft, so powerful, yet sweet, blow's my mind and heart open.
Her song transports me to a different time, a time when things were colours and candy, simple and free, young and wanting...

She will always be one of the great Canadian woman singer songwriters. To me she is up there with my main heartthrob Leonard Cohen.

He is a parallel version of her. His deep, yet yearning whispers, his demanding and forward calls of the world, his heart falling yet yearning for more...

Both unbelievable poets who make your heart fall, yearn and love all at once...

Friday, June 24, 2011

Every Morning it comes

Morning Poem

Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it

the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
every morning,

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

~Mary Oliver

Just Trust.
It all comes.
It all flows.
It will always be there
without the need
to search for it.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

It's all a Balancing Act

It seems BALANCE is my theme of the week.

Not forcing, not pushing, not trying to shift the universe's plan, but just flowing, and loving, and relaxing into my being-ness.
This week I got my ass kicked by a 2 day migraine...again.
This happened last month too, but for 4 days instead.
So this week, I was scheduled for 3 days at work, not my normal 4 days. And I pushed for more, and was thankful for another day, making it a full work week.
Well, I guess I wasn't listening the first time, when originally scheduled for 3, and the universe works in magical (or teaching) ways they say.
So there comes my learning, and the only way to it, by getting a migraine, going home from work on the first day...spending the full day in bed...and also the next day.
Thus, only ending up with now 2 days at work. Funny. I look back and realize I should have just flowed with it originally, should have just trusted to begin with.

But I did manage to get out dancing this week, and my body SO needed that energy release after being stuck in bed for so long.

Balance. Realizing to not push so hard, but to flow.
For making time for work, time for play, and time for relaxation.
To balance everything. Even spending time on decluttering that hallway shelf of mine.
And when I'm in it. Like, really in the moment, I LOVE to declutter, to downsize, to shed a little bit more and not hang on to stuff emotionally, or physically. I truly feel lighter.

I found this article Decluttering as Zen Meditation that is a great read, and gives great perspective on clutter and attachment. I think you would enjoy it.

For me, decluttering really is a form of meditation. It's being in the moment, and not attaching to the past, or the future. But we all do it, it's SO easy to hang on to stuff, whether it's a book I bought 5 years ago to read and haven't managed to get more than 25 pages in multiple times (Eckhart Tolle- A New Earth...anybody want it? ), or that piece of jewelry that I never where, but it's from a special person.

Or even clothes. I've been oddly hanging on to my old "professional" clothes that I wore when I worked at Immigrant Services....2 years ago! I think I unrolled them from my drawer once since I moved to Vancouver. I mean come on, really? "Why hang on to that?" I say to myself. Well, once I thought about it, it wasn't even about the clothes, it was the image and feeling of "professionalism" that I wanted to stay with me. It was the feeling of my favourite job, of my growth, of my love for working and helping my immigrant families, of being "successful", of making a great income, of my past image that I created and lived.

And those clothes are now gone. And my heart feels lighter and my memories of all that those clothes embodied are still there, but without the physical attachment to it. To remember to balance myself, my things and my attachment to it all.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Living in Integration

How do we maintain constant Integration in our lives?

How do we integrate mind, body and spirit?

This week we danced the dance of Integration. Being fully present to each body part, fully present to each movement, whether quick, long, exaggerated or mimicked and fully present to every feeling that comes up.

That got me thinking, how do I integrate my thoughts, feelings and experiences in my life?

On the superficial level, I integrate my job with daily activities such as eating, sleeping and playing. But the deeper I go - how does it work to consciously integrate positive aspects in every moment?

I choose to welcome in positive people in my life. Not to disregard the hard times we all go through, but for the last 3 years I have surrounded myself with people who love life, who get excited about what they are doing, who are happy about their journey and even happier to learn and share about the steps they have taken, even the hard ones.

But what about those instances in our days that bring a millisecond of frustration, anger, sadness, or worse, guilt? How do we integrate those feelings? Do we let ourselves feel them? Do we linger a little too long in the feeling and get consumed by them? Do we feel it, accept it and then change our perception on the matter and turn it into a more positive experience?

That is what I am learning. Time and time again, it is all about perception. I have a feeling come up, I experience it, and I then choose how to let it effect me. I can change my perception on anything really, even the "horrible" experiences, as they too are only labeled and perceived as horrible. But even if I want to continue to label it as horrible, maybe I can, even for 1 minute, find a blessing or some gratitude for what I have learned from this experience.

This is not to diminish what I, or others have experienced, but instead to see or feel it, and then try to see and feel it from another angle. To try to see the bigger picture. To move from literal and symbolic understanding, to mythic, and then energetic.

To realize there are not only 2 sides to every story, not only black and white, but an infinite number of angles, and a palette of not only shades of grey, but of vibrant colour!

To know and truly believe there is a larger picture to everything, and all is meaningful. To know that this moment is nothing compared to the journey of the soul.

Knowing this, it seems a bit easier to integrate everything in my life. The good, the bad, the fearful. I can find a new angel, stand in it, and see if it fits and is a a bit easier to digest. Always however, remaining connected to my centre. My core. My own integrity.

Integrity. Even that is ever changing if we stay in this moment and not that of the past, or the future. Integrity is not static. It may have a solid core, but on the outside it changes like a candy jawbreaker. With every lick, or experience, you take something new away, see another colour, and taste a new taste, whether a bit bitter or sweeter, it's constantly changing. And everyone will experience it different. Knowing this, that my definition of Integrity may shift, I cannot expect it to be the same for my partner, my co-worker or the stranger I pass on the street. And that's okay. As long as each is acting on our own integrity, we are all doing the best we can do.

I guess that is what integration means to me. Acting with constant Integrity and Integrating all my experiences with an open heart and from a centered soul. Allowing myself and my loved ones around me to experience, feel and shift in each moment and from each perspective. Not remaining static, but open and ever changing.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

blissful practice

While I dance I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. That is why I dance."
-Hans Bos

We all have something that facilitates the release of energy.
Some people have yoga, some, the gym. Others run. Me, I've tried all of those, and I've enjoyed them, but none of those have clicked into the practice that I would want to do for the rest of my life.

For me, it's dance.
Absolutely heart and soul centered, frantic, fun, and conscious dance.
When I moved to Vancouver I was excited to start Nia, but alas, after 10 classes, I enjoyed it, but felt bored by the steps, the repetition, the obvious "way" that was expected, but not pushed.

Then a couple months later I found Kundalini. Now, if you ever have a conversation with me about Kundalini dance, my voice gets louder, you can hear the excitement, the yearning to dance again, the awe and gratitude that I feel for it.

I can truly say that Kundalini Dance has changed my life.
It has opened up the door for my own self exploration. Through it, I learn about my body, in its movement, and its stillness. I learn to open my heart a little bit wider and fuller with each breath. I learn about what powerful chakra centers I have and how they need to be unblocked, emptied, and then filled with pure energy from Shakti.

And oh, have I struggled through it sometimes... My throat chakra, the hardest one to work through, coughs and sputters and looses the ability to gracefully work through the movements. But then, usually someone hits the clearing point a bit sooner and lets a scream, or flutter, or yowl out, and soon, the energy shifts so we all let it free, and clear it through yips and hollers, tongue rolls and cheers.
I love that moment. It's pure bliss when you can scream uninhibited, or tongue roll your heart out. What a release.

And then there are those moments that really hit you in your core centre. Those moments where nothing else matters in the world. Not good, nor bad, just this one blissed out moment of pure energy pumping through your chakras, electrifying your body with gold, sparkling light, where you've connected with Mother Earth and Spirit and have become one, if only for a second. For me it's the feeling of "Yes, I forgot what you felt like, but everything is balanced, pure, and whole for this moment."

Today, as the world works, I have said goodbye to Kundalini for the time being, as there are only maybe 10-15 instructors in the world, and my dear one Christine, has moved out of Vancouver.

So that brings me to today. I have found 5 Rhythms-Soulful Steps in Vancouver.
Three Saturdays ago I went to a Intro class to feel it out. And the next day I went into work and booked off my Wednesdays to be off at 5pm so I can make this a weekly practice for myself.

It feels as though my heart will always lie with Kundalini, like a girl always thinks of her first love. But I'm open to 5 Rhythms, and am excited to see where it takes me. To feel the energy course through my body. To make a new community simply by looking into another's eyes to feel connection. To open up parts of myself through working with others. Tonight, I connected with a lovely girl my age as we danced back to back, letting our bodies slide, connect, interact with love. Yet, who knows if I'll ever see her again. It doesn't even matter, cause that connection is what was meant to be, nothing else, until we turn it into a more human-social form.

For me it's the moments of release. Of flicking that energy out of my fingertips, of throwing my head around, whirling dervishly around the room- letting all droplets of my day, week, and worry fall to the floor to transmute into inner stillness for 2 hours. 2 hours that I am me. Purely, Fully, Uninhibited.
For that I am grateful. To feel the beat and the rhythm course through me, so that I can release, be at peace and feel heart centered bliss in each moment.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

a new beginning of me

So I started a blog....?! what?! I say to myself, a blog?

But yes, I've been thinking about it for over 2 weeks. And 2 days after my first thought of starting one, I met this wonderful new friend Caitlin, and it turns out she has a blog, and my oh my is it ever great!
And it started to give me the courage to want and now make my own.
As I was ignoring my wanting, the wanting seems to get larger, louder, more persistent...
"It's only my thoughts" I would say to myself...but my thoughts on the internet? For everyone to read?
I've always had a lot of rambling in my head. I think, I dream, I process about the world and all its beauty...and darkness.... But who hasn't?
But after 2 weeks of processing about blogging, doing my own spiritual work, then holidaying with my family, I've made the choice, and here it is.
I've come to a place within me that I want to speak it out loud.
And sometimes I want to shout things from the rooftop!
Like today, we had 2 beautiful Golden Retrievers in the house and all I wanted to shout was
"I LOVE puppies!" "I Loove puppy tails!"
They (yes, them and their tails) bring such blissful joy to my moment. Their soft hair, their tricks, and their playfulness, which in turn make me indulge their and my own rambunctiousness. I love it. It's pure bliss interacting with a puppy.

So this is it. I've committed myself.
I'm going to ramble, and write. and post songs, and pictures, and give insight on what I think and feel in my everyday life. Cause why not, I ask?

Oh, and by the way. Part of the reason I didn't want to start a blog is because I'm not great at spelling and grammar...but I'll spell check for you and my own learning, but I'll also write freely and let everything come and float down like a feather in sunlight, free and peaceful.

I welcome myself a new world of blogging, and I welcome you as my readers.

And check out Caitlin's wonderful blog too:

Have a fantastic week ahead.